PHILADELPHIA– Zach Jones, a regular customer at Ultimo Coffee, was the recent victim of a theft after he entrusted his Macbook Pro with a fellow patron who turned out to be a serial laptop bandit. The heist occurred when Jones was forced to interrupt his screenwriting session due to his rapid ingestion of a 32-oz cold brew latte. Jones promptly closed his Twitter feed and made preparations for a restroom interlude but was hesitant to fully dismantle his work station. “My table was right by a wall outlet,” he explained to reporters at the scene. “That’s prime real estate!” 

Jones attributed his “prudent nature” as being behind the decision to enlist a fellow customer to protect his property during his absence. When asked why he felt comfortable trusting a stranger with a $2400 computer, Jones pointed out that he actually knew this man fairly well after several exchanges of “friendly eye contact” that had occurred in the eighteen minutes since he had sat down. “Plus this guy already had a laptop,” Jones added. “I didn’t think people stole things if they already had one of their own.”

The loss has been devastating for Jones, who now faces the prospect of having to rewrite his screenplay from the beginning. “I poured my heart and soul into that script,” he said of his lost work, which reportedly consisted of a working title and the first scene heading.

Gregory Virgin

The post Coffee Shop Customer Mistakenly Asks Career Criminal To Guard Laptop During Restroom Visit appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Local mother Teri Roberts was filled with instant regret the moment she heard the first notes of her son Marshall’s debut violin recital on Sunday. “I wanted to throw up after one performance. I wish I’d never encouraged him to try this,” said Roberts when it became evident that her child lacked all manner of technical proficiency, musicality, and stage presence. The six-year-old violinist’s unique sound, which Roberts described at various times as “nails on a chalkboard” and “a rusty door hinge,” has caused her to second guess her entire parenting philosophy. “I should never have told him all that bullshit about following things through and not giving up,” said the beleaguered mother. “I’ll certainly think twice before I suggest he try any other new activities.” Roberts also admitted to denying to a fellow parent that she knew Marshall when he got lost halfway through the first verse of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and required note-by-note assistance from his teacher. 

One source of optimism for Roberts is the possibility that Marshall will inadvertently damage his instrument beyond repair, which judging by his extreme lack of dexterity, appears likely. “Sure, it would be a financial loss,” she acknowledged. “But you can’t put a price on your mental health and social reputation.”

Gregory Virgin

The post Mother Desperately Hoping She Raised A Quitter After Hearing Son’s First Violin Recital appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA– A new study conducted by the Department of Sociology at Penn State has found that simply texting the word “STOP” can be an effective way to unsubscribe not only from marketing texts, but also friendships. These findings could prove invaluable to millions who report unwanted frequent communication from the people in their lives. The results of the study, which consisted of 80 participants, suggest that replying to a friend’s text with a “STOP” message has a 72% chance of immediately destroying the relationship. In some instances, the initial “STOP” text was misinterpreted as a joke, or the recipient sought to open up a discussion regarding the startling curtness of the message. The study authors reported that in these cases, sending the “STOP” message several additional times was usually sufficient for complete friendship termination.

In the few outliers where the “STOP” message was unsuccessful in ceasing contact with its recipients, researchers hypothesized that capitalization may have been a factor. Some study participants failed to adhere to the all-caps guideline.

In a follow-up study, scientists are now investigating whether shouting “STOP” in-person while someone is talking may be an even more permanent solution for removing annoying people from social circles. Trials are ongoing.

Gregory Virgin

The post Study: Texting “STOP” Can Opt You Out Of Marketing Texts And Friendships appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Notoriously friendless man Doug Patterson has been spotted looking at his phone repeatedly over a short period of time, prompting befuddlement from onlookers. When questioned regarding the nature of his phone use, Patterson told reporters that he was equally bewildered by his own behavior. “No one has texted me since I got this phone three years ago. I don’t know why I thought that today would be any different.” Patterson added that he was unsure if anyone even had his number. “I have the Find My Friends app, but no one ever seems to be looking for me.” Some townsfolk had initially speculated that he might be checking his phone for Instagram notifications, but Patterson confirmed that he has no virtual friends either.

At press time, rumors began circulating that Patterson had been spotted actually typing something on his phone. Given the impossibility of him sending a text message, several popular theories being floated online were that he was googling “how to make friends” or using the Notes app to make a grocery list.

We didn’t reach out for further comment from Patterson regarding this new development because he seemed like a loser when we met him earlier. Also, we never got his number.

Gregory Virgin

The post Man With No Friends Bizarrely Keeps Checking Phone appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – A CVS near Center City has been abruptly reorganized and locals are baffled as to why. No official reason has been given for the change, which features all of the aisles now running perpendicular to their old directions. The back of the store has become the front of the store and the front is now the back. Shelves that once brimmed full of Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, and Twinkies now house prophylactics. Aisle 12b, a long-time destination for shoppers in search of amusing and/or sentimental Hallmark greeting cards, has been replaced with the deadbolted glass case of razor blades.

Some in the media have speculated that the redesign could be an effort to increase efficiency. Regular store patron Kent Wallner disagrees with this assessment, however. Wallner recently lost eighteen minutes of his life in what was supposed to be a routine purchase of odor-destroying insoles. A protracted expedition was required after he discovered that the former location of foot care products had been usurped by numerous eight-pound bags of charcoal briquettes.

Customers unnerved by the changes may find comfort in knowing that certain aspects of the CVS experience remain the same. As has been true since the company’s founding in 1963, there is still only one register open.

Gregory Virgin

The post Local CVS Rearranged For No Apparent Reason appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.