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Oops…it looks like we lost connection.  We don’t really eat cereal that much, but it seems like naming five different kinds is the only way this bully is going to stop twisting your nipples, so here’s our best guesses.

• Fruit Holes
• Cap’n Corn
• Cocoa Chunks
• Raisin Bran
• Honey Bunches of Count Frankenberry 

Good luck with your bully, we hope this helps.  And maybe try reconnecting your router?

Zachary Decker

The post Quick! Favorite This Link For The Next Time You Need To Name Five Cereals To Stop A Bully From Giving You A Purple Nurple appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

So, your Nonno just died and you can’t wrap your head around why your younger brother got the Summer house in Cape May and all you got in the will was a moldy tomato?  Well, what if you found out that moldy tomato isn’t just any tomato, but an heirloom tomato that has been in your family for six generations?  The mold makes sense now, huh?

Well, your great-great-great grandmother, Nonna Celeste, grew that tomato in her garden in Sicily to give to your great-great-great grandfather, Nonno Angelo, before he got on the boat headed for South Philly, one-hundred years ago.

The story goes that Nonno Angelo held onto that tomato to serve as motivation for him to work hard and make enough money to get great-great-great Nonna Celeste to America faster so he could eat her famous gravy sooner.

I think it’s a sweet story, but your Uncle Vinny says it’s a dirty joke.

That tomato has been passed down to the oldest son in the family ever since to serve as a reminder that hard work pays off when you’re doing it for the ones you love, and now you’re holding it, so be grateful ya goomba!

Yeah, it’s almost completely mold now, but truth be told, it was moldy like eight days in and no one ever complained.  Just put it in a Ziploc bag and stick it in the freezer, that’s all your Nonno ever did with it. Also, if it makes you feel any better, the Cape May house is pretty moldy too, so you kind of dodged a bullet.

Zachary Decker

The post Heirloom Tomato Getting Pretty Moldy After Being Passed Down From Generation to Generation appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – After trying dozens of soaps that only left a sudsy residue and bitter taste in his mouth, resident food critic Tummy Grumbles set out on a search for any detergent that promised not to be so harsh on his skin. Unfortunately, all he found was that soap for sensitive skin still tastes like regular soap to his sensitive tongue. “Bars, liquids, even foams. I’ve had them all and they all taste exactly like soap,” Grumbles noted. He added, “They all smell different, a lot of them even smell like food, but they all taste like soap to me. What gives?” The travel-sized bottle of Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing soap he recently housed reportedly went down smoother than other soaps he’s drunk but it still very much tastes like soap. Most surprising are the soaps from Bath & Body Works called“It’s Margarita Time” and “Iced Cinnamon Roll” which apparently really taste like lye and animal fat – even more so than Head and Shoulders, one of the harsher soaps The Satirer’s food critic sampled. By the end of his search, Tummy Grumbles expressed concern that his tongue might be too sensitive and that he should just stop eating soap altogether, which he does not want to do because he loves the taste.

Zachary Decker

The post Soap For Sensitive Skin Still Tastes Like Regular Soap appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

For too long, outdated traditions have forced you to choose between trick OR treat, but this Halloween you’re finally going to manifest everything you deserve and not settle for anything less than a trick AND treat. First, you’ll have to ditch the masks, make-up, wigs, and fake blood you’ve been hiding behind. That’s right– this year you’re going out as yourself, what’s scarier than that?

Dressing up as yourself on Halloween will give you the confidence you’ll need to get what’s owed to you, so leave your costume at home and get those tricks and treats. When you march up to your neighbor’s door this Halloween, you’re not going to give them a choice. You’re going to demand a trick AND a treat. While you’re at it, have them smell your feet too. This will surely assert that you mean business and you won’t be taking no for an answer.

Should anyone still insist on making you choose between the two despite your non-negotiable stance, don’t let them think that you care. Simply pull down their underwear. That should clear things up for them.

Let this Halloween be the first of many that you’re completely in control of, loading up on tricks and treats and anything else you want. And don’t forget, Halloween doesn’t have to only be on October 31st, you’re the boss now.  

Zachary Decker

The post Trick AND Treat: How You Can Have It All This Halloween appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – A Google Doc that was left open on a computer belonging to one of the Satirer’s editors is apparently pissed off that we keep referring to it as “Google Mister.”  What started out as a joke amongst staff quickly escalated when the fed-up word processing app put its caps lock on and screamed at us in the middle of a meeting, “I DIDN’T GO TO FOUR YEARS OF MEDICAL SCHOOL JUST TO BE CALLED GOOGLE MISTER BY A BUNCH OF JACKOFFS THAT THINK COLONOSCOPY SABOTAGE IS SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT.” 

Laughing after we discovered that the draft was really just an anesthesiologist, which is hardly a doctor, made the situation even worse.  The writing staff swiftly learned their lesson on not punching-down after the enraged doctor uploaded a back-handed slap across the face of our meekest contributor, leaving them permanently disfigured. 

Scared and ashamed, the whole group attempted to apologize to the Google Doc for disrespecting the entire medical profession and not taking our half-baked bits more seriously, which only leads to hurt feelings amongst coworkers and friends.

Google Doc calmed down and took our apology into consideration before revealing that, “it’s not even about my title being the butt of your jokes, it’s that you didn’t even stop to consider that this doctor is a woman.”  Our minds were so completely blown that we briefly considered buying a subscription to Microsoft Office.

Zachary Decker

The post Google Doc Didn’t Go To Four Years Of Medical School Just To Be Called Google Mister appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– The search for six missing day-drinkers continues at Independence Beer Garden today after last evening’s fatal oversized-Jenga collapse that left at least two dead.  After what started as an ordinary Center City Sips event, including countless craft beers and bag toss, tragedy struck when a game of oversized-Jenga collapsed onto a group of freshmen finance majors.  “It all happened so fast,” Hunter Brillopad, a Sips patron, recalled, “all of a sudden this epic Jenga game my boys had going on just came crashing down on everyone, it was not chill.” 

There have been two confirmed deaths related to the incident and it is believed that six more bros are missing amongst the rubble.  Of the six, all have been reported to be wearing pastel-colored button ups with sleeves rolled to the elbow, Dockers shorts with little embroidered flamingo or anchor details, and Sperrys. 

As emergency personnel tirelessly continue their efforts to find the missing persons, the City is gearing up for an onslaught of legal activity after being told that each of the victim’s dads are high-profile lawyers.  One such lawyer, Bradley Wiltshire, had this to say, “I’ve gotten my son out of bigger messes than a pile of jumbo-sized Jenga blocks, like that hazing incident at the fraternity or vehicular manslaughter charge.  I’ll see you in court, tough guy.” 

As a community mourns the loss of their drinking buddies and a City searches for answers in the aftermath of a devastating tragedy, one ray of hope remains clear, the entire incident was captured on video and went viral on Barstool. 

Zachary Decker

The post Two Dead, Six Missing After Oversized-Jenga Blocks Collapse At Beer Garden appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

NEW YORK CITY– The Statue of Liberty, the iconic symbol of American ideals which has never contained any phosphorescent properties, is set to be demolished to make way for a new and improved statue that glows in the dark. 

According to the Mayor, the plan to replace Lady Liberty with a glow-in-the-dark version cannot come at better timing, “she used to be shinny like a penny, but she’s all green and gross now” the Mayor said, “I figure if she’s going to be green, she may as well be glow-in-the-dark green which is cool and not gross.” 

Statue fans across the country agree that America’s most famous statue deserves to finally light up after so many years of not doing so.  According to a poll asking Americans why they are in favor of the change, the most popular answers include, “less boats crashing into the thing,” “would look interesting from the sky if you were a bird,” and “glow-in-the-dark makes me horny.” 

While the United States at large is excited for the improvements, the French, who gifted the statue to the U.S. in 1886, are demanding that the statue be returned.  The President of the United States responded in a press conference, “hell no, we’re going to scrap that trash and get a paycheck out of it.  I know a guy at the junkyard who will give me a real good price.” 

The new glow-in-the-dark Statue of Liberty is set to be unveiled as soon as someone strong enough comes forward to activate the glow-juice inside of it by cracking Lady Liberty in half.

Zachary Decker

The post Statue Of Liberty To Be Replaced With New Glow-In-The-Dark Statue Of Liberty appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– On full display for all to see on the corner of Broad Street and Washington Avenue, cement poured less than an hour ago eagerly invites a daring finger or two to slip in and explore its wetness. “There’s nothing more titillating than wet cement,” Veronica Holmes, a passerby, commented, “if I wasn’t so afraid of what others would say, I’d bury my entire face in it.”

While most sidewalk users echoed Holmes’ comment, others could be seen crossing the street to avoid the recently laid cement.

When asked if the Wet Cement sign posted nearby could be deterring people from having a meaningful experience with the new sidewalk, Sean Masters, a representative from the construction company responsible for the renovation, clarified that “the sign is in no way meant to be interpreted as a warning. We encourage anyone who wants to have a little fun with the fresh walkway to feel free to do so.” 

With an enthusiastic yes, please go-ahead and give the wet cement a little fingering, however it should be noted that spitting and poop-stuff is not really the sidewalk’s thing.  So clean up after your dogs.

Zachary Decker

The post Wet Cement Begging To Have Finger Put In It appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – Infants as young as six months old can begin to recognize the world around them. By age two, they can assign names to things. At five, children have an acute awareness of all fifty states that make up the union of the United States of America. Parents: Your kids know more than you think. As a result, it is imperative that parents acknowledge and begin conversations with their children at an early age to explain that the state bird of Pennsylvania is the ruffed grouse.  “The ruffed grouse was an important part of the food supply for early North American settlers, and it’s still a familiar sight in Pennsylvania forests today,” child psychologist Adam Newler explained, “and young children are perceptive of this, even without parental influence.” According to Newler, it’s never too early to talk to children about the state bird of Pennsylvania or the state flower or the state fossil.  Which are the mountain laurel and trilobite, respectively. “We don’t want our youth to develop an unhealthy relationship with what are simply the facts of life or, more specifically, the facts of Pennsylvania,” said Newler. “If parents can get out in front of these things, I believe we can look forward to a future full of individuals who are really good at local trivia.” While Newler admits that talking about Pennsylvania’s state bird, the ruffed grouse, with your children might be uncomfortable, he can assure that it won’t be nearly as difficult as talking with your children about the consequences of bee population decline.    

Zachary Decker

The post It’s Never Too Early To Talk To Your Kids About The State Bird Of Pennsylvania appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – On a recent playdate at the park, Hailey Gorman caught up with The Satirer to express her growing frustration with not being taken seriously like the 10-month-old she is. “It’s always goo-goo-gaga this and coochy-coo that,” she explained, “as if they’re talking to someone who didn’t just master their ABCs.” Distracted by a chess match going on just behind her mother, Gorman unenthusiastically responded to a game of peek-a-boo, admitting she only plays along because her parents seem to enjoy it so much.  Other adults surrounding the child’s bassinet fawned over her ability to sit up on her own but failed to notice her ability to roll her eyes. “I swear, every adult that interacts with me insists on using nonsense words and truthfully I find it incredibly condescending.  If I didn’t pity them all so much I’d tell them to keep quiet so I could do my Sudoku in peace.” When asked if they were aware that their child was a baby genius, Gorman’s parents spit up on themselves and started sucking on their thumbs.

Zachary Decker

The post Baby Really Hates How Condescending You’re Being appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.