What started as a normal day turned catastrophic for 6-year-old Tommy Sanders after this morning’s recess. “I just don’t understand,” said Tommy’s teacher, Ms. Nomer. “Tommy is so mature for his age: a very deep thinker and so reflective. But he just froze out there.” It started with the usual ribbing you find on any playground. After being called a ‘boogerhead,’ Tommy rebutted as he has done before with “I know you are, but what am I?” So automatic, such a reflex that Tommy had never truly considered before. “Wait… what AM I?” Tommy thought to himself hanging from the monkey bars.

What was his identity? Would he be known as the Kickball MVP for his historic 2 home runs in a single inning? Would the world admire him for his radical outside-the-lines coloring technique? Did it matter what his peers thought or was it about inner peace? These thoughts consumed the Kindergartener as he hung there coming to terms with himself as he was getting closer to his double digits age.

It became abundantly clear to Tommy that he was going through the much feared quarter of quarter-life crisis. All kids handled it differently: some collected exotic Hot Wheels, others took extravagant trips to Chuck E Cheese. How would he respond? He snapped back to reality and started doing pull ups on those monkey bars. Tommy was determined to get in the best shape of his 6 year life.

Christian Beardall

The post Introspective Kindergartener Has Existential Crisis After Uttering “I Know You Are But What Am I?” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Tragedy struck this past weekend for parents Gene and Sophie Wanderson while shopping at a busy mall for last minute holiday gifts. “I looked down and he was just gone,” cried Sophie speaking of their young bespectacled son, Waldo, who Gene swore was just with them a second ago. The parents began retracing their steps in efforts to find the usually unmistakable boy given his less-than-trendy red & white striped sweater and hat combo. 

After searching what they believed to be every corner of the mall, Gene and Sophie grew so worried they started yelling Waldo’s name and asking the other mall goers for help. “There were people who just started laughing,” stated a rather annoyed Gene after he had spent precious time describing his son to others and asking if anyone had seen Waldo. Tension built as several times they stopped thinking they had found their lost son, only to have been fooled by others who seemed to share their son’s previously unique clothing style.

Luckily the Wandersons eventually received several tips that led the parents to check the bookstore. There Gene and Sophie were finally reunited with their son, Waldo. The store cheered “There’s Waldo!” while the family shared a warm embrace. The relief the parents felt was only rivaled by the times they had found their son after he got lost at the beach, theme park, ski lodge, and space station.

Christian Beardall

The post Frantic Parents Met With Laughter While Searching For Lost Son Waldo appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.