PHILADELPHIA – It was a typical Friday morning for sixteen-year-old Anna and her mother, Ellen, with the two arguing about Anna cutting class. Things soon took a freaky turn when they both wished for the other to know what it’s like to be them, leading the mother and daughter to switch bodies for the day. 

On the body switch, teenager Anna stated, “being fifty-years-old is a nightmare. I was hot one minute, cold the next, and I cried over a Kay Jewelers commercial. It was like puberty, but instead of pimples I just had sores on my feet. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I honestly missed being on my period, it beats carpal tunnel.” When asked if this experience will change how she treats her mother, Anna said, “Ugh, I guess. I’ll stop calling her bipolar now, I’ll just call her menopausal instead.” 

Ellen was excited to live life as a teenager again. On the experience, Ellen said, “It was so great being able to bend down again without cracking my knees. I dropped a pencil and I didn’t even groan or wince.” When asked if this experience will change how she treats her daughter, Ellen said, “I didn’t know high school was so hard. Letters in math, milk with pizza for lunch, all awful combinations. No wonder she ditches school, even I ditched.”

Ellen and Anna both claim that this experience has shaped their dynamic until they got in another fight the next Friday and both wished for the other to walk a mile in their shoes.

Brianna Benozich

The post Freaky Friday Situation Leads Teen Girl To Experience The Pain Of Menopause appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– What started as a normal day soon turned chaotic for Dan “the Man” McSweeney. Dan, a local father of two and coach for the Grasshoppers Little League team, was at a screening of the new Marvel film Morbius before being asked to leave by the usher, creating a scene. 

On the incident, a witness who would like to remain anonymous said, “I was in the back row of the theater, there were maybe about three of us in the whole theater, when I heard a loud voice exclaim, ‘That’s Michael Keaton!’ It startled me the first time, but then the man kept announcing the name of every actor as they appeared on screen. At one point he even tried to argue that Russell Brand was Morbius.” 

When asked about the incident, Dan was eager to share his side of the story. “There are just so many people in Morbius that I had to let my kids know who was who. You have the best Batman, the worst Joker, and that British doctor. You know, the guy with the face. If it’s a crime to be able to recognize actors, then I’m the top criminal in this city.” The Satirer advises anyone who decides to take their father to a screening of Morbius to understand the risks. 

Brianna Benozich

The post Local Father Kicked Out Of Movie Theater For Loudly Identifying Every Actor appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

BORDENTOWN, NJ– Tired of overly enthusiastic teens singing show tunes in their restaurant, Denny’s announced Tuesday that the company has added super glue to their beloved pancake mix. Denny’s hopes that this new ingredient will keep local theater kids quiet while families try to enjoy their meal. Before the official announcement, Denny’s tested out this practice in a select few locations, including Bordentown, New Jersey. 

One waitress at the Denny’s Bordentown location, Tippy “Knives” Johnson, lamented about how disruptive the local theater kids once were. Johnson stated, “those damn kids would pile in at seven o’clock, order their food in fake British accents, and play something called ‘zip, zap, zop.’ The hostess had to stop seating them in my section or they were gonna find out why they call me ‘Knives.’ ” When asked about the results of the super glue pancake mix, Johnson said, “the last time I felt this level of peace was before I earned my nickname.” 

Local high school theater student, Daniel Simmons, who insisted on being interviewed after his visit from Denny’s, stated, “mmmm, mmmmm. Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm? Mmm mmm mmmm mmm.” 

Denny’s announced that this new ingredient will be enforced at all Denny’s locations starting this Friday, coincidentally at the same time as rehearsal season begins.

Brianna Benozich

The post Denny’s Adds Super Glue To Pancake Mix To Shut Up Those Theater Kids After Rehearsal appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Customers were in for a shock at the newest hip pizza spot, “Crust,” when they went to pour oregano on their pizza. One customer, Bill Grips, claims that after he put the oregano on his pizza he was able to feel each individual nose hair in the wind. A second customer, Dyshawn Washington, stated, “I was hungry like a motherfucker after I ate the oregano.” Another customer, Cindy Travis, wouldn’t stop laughing when we tried to interview her. 

Crust’s ex-head chef, who would like to remain anonymous, is surprised and angry that the bag of oregano that he bought from a high schooler is not oregano at all but in fact “cheap weed.” On the subject, Crust’s ex-head chef explained, “I was told this kid had the best oregano in the city, that Zahav gets their oregano from them because the warmth of a back pocket adds an extra je ne sais quoi.”

Father Judge High School student Tanner “T.P.” Polinski claims he is the one who sold the Crust chef the baggie of weed. T.P. stated, “Shit, that was a jawn of weed? I must’ve mixed it up with the jawn of ‘regano I sell freshmen. Man, I wish I was at that pizza place. You’re not a cop, right?” 

The Satirer advises anyone who goes into the pizza shop to take a whiff of the oregano before you put it on your pizza, unless you want to get high on your lunch break.

Brianna Benozich

The post Chef Who Bought Baggie Of Oregano From High Schooler Surprised It’s Weed appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.