ANAHEIM, CA – Tragedy struck this week as the personalities of millions of people were taken away, following Disney’s announcement of the status of Marvel’s Phase 4 films.

Chairman of Marvel Entertainment Issac Permutter addressed the delay in a press conference. “We’re disappointed but optimistic that this delay will lead to higher revenues. We’re hoping our data scientists can turn up some new trends so we can shoehorn some more relevant themes into them, and see if we can increase viewership. Wait, is this the press conference or the shareholder meeting?! Forget what I just said! The delay is for artistic reasons!!!”

Insurance salesman Richard Brackman was especially hard hit by the news. “Our watercooler talk has exclusively revolved around the MCU since 2012”, Richard said. “What are we supposed to talk about now, our kids? The fuck am I going to say about them?”

“Our daughter was supposed to have a Black Widow themed birthday party this month,” Richard’s wife Lorraine lamented. “We were going to legally change her name to Natasha Romanoff Brackman for her present. How’s that going to make any sense if the movie’s not out yet?”

“I guess we’ll just have to find some other stuff to watch in the break, just to get by”, Brackman sighed. “Ugh, I can’t believe we’re finally going to have to watch the new Justice League.”

Adam Lerner

The post Millions Left Without Personalities As Disney Delays Marvel Phase 4 Films Again appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON, DC– In a groundbreaking reach across the cell wall, Joe Biden has extended an invitation to Covid-19 to join his administration.

“I’ve always found it important to find common ground, even with people or viruses you disagree with,” Biden told reporters today. “The American people are tired of the division, and replication, and division again. They’re tired of the polarization. America used to be a place where people of different backgrounds could come together in pursuit of a goal, and I’m hoping Covid-19 and I can prove that that America still exists.”

“Look, folks. Covid-19 isn’t a Republican, or a Democrat. It’s not Black, white, or anything in between. It’s American. Just like you and me. We both want what’s best for this great country,” Biden continued. “Do you know that Covid-19 has made over a billion copies of itself? Heck, I’d like to see any of you do that.”

Covid-19 could not be reached for comment, but single celled organisms close to the virus say that it is excited to take this next step in its political career. “It’s been hard getting to know the Democrats,” Covid-19 associate H1N1 said. “But I’m confident this invitation will help us get the adhesion process started. It’s a small step, but still a step in the right direction.”

Covid-19 will head up the newly created Virus-Human Relationship Council, a committee tasked with building dialogues between Americans and other novel diseases. Expected members include Dr Anthony Fauci, Dr Deborah Birx, MERS-CoV, H1N1, and a handful of viruses from the European Adenovirus Guild. Notably absent from the list of proposed members is SARS-CoV-1, who went through a high profile divorce with Covid-19 at the end of last year.

Adam Lerner

The post Joe Biden Invites Covid-19 To The White House In The Spirit Of Bipartisanship appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Yet another industry has been devastated by COVID-19: comedy. “This pandemic has really decimated comedy delivery vehicles, like stand up and film,” said joke historian Dr. Seamus O’Rourke. “Now it’s affecting the real core of the industry: the jokes.” Dr. O’Rourke and other experts have predicted a severe joke shortage going into the winter.

With bars in most places operating at reduced capacity, jokes about people walking into bars are in dangerously limited supply. Other joke sources, such as water-cooler talk and riding public transportation face a similar predicament, as the pandemic discourages people from travel and office work. “Jokes about airline food have been a staple for decades,” O’Rourke explained. “But now with the air travel restrictions, they’ve all but disappeared. If nobody’s eating bland airline food, jokes about it just aren’t going to land.”

Knock-knock jokes, which have been in decline for years, experienced a recent surge in the months preceding the election due to over-eager canvassers. But that surge was short lived; according to the North American Joke Exchange, knock-knock futures contracts plummeted this week, settling at the lowest amount since the invention of the door.

Dr. Tanya Evans from the Comedy Production Laboratory in Los Angeles, CA, is trying to stay optimistic. “In the short term I think there’s going to be a push towards impression or character based comedy. Like how perky white yuppie women act on zoom calls, or how stoners act on zoom calls, et cetera. That’s not a permanent fix but it might buy us time,” she explained further. 

This is a controversial opinion that divides the joke research community, as the Comedy Tweetocracy mandated last year that so-called “character” comedy was to be gradually phased out to reduce the perpetuation of problematic stereotypes. 

“I’m not thrilled about getting six dozen ‘loud Black women talking over everyone in a zoom call’ skits, but that’s what happens when edgy comics get desperate,” Evans lamented. “White guys almost crashed the joke market in the early 2000s by overproducing racist accent jokes for satellite radio, so there’s a huge risk of creating another bubble. But I think it’s unavoidable. There just aren’t going to be enough jokes for everyone to stick to the approved material.”

O’Rourke had a more pessimistic outlook. “We’re in a deflationary death spiral right now. The shortage is already causing people’s sense of humor to devolve. There’s an entire generation coming up thinking that lip-syncing the president is funny. I don’t know how comedy will ever recover.”

Adam Lerner

The post Joke Shortage Looms As Pandemic Prevents People From Walking Into Bars appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

MEDIA, PA – As COVID-19 slows and the economy opens back up, Dawn Kershetsky is no longer able to put off visiting her parents. “I was really banking on this second wave to come in hotter,” Dawn told the Satirer. “In the beginning, I thought the pandemic was a blessing in disguise, I mean how often do you get an excuse to not visit your folks and act like you’re doing them a favor?” 

Unfortunately for Dawn, fewer people have died from this horrible disease in the last few weeks. As businesses only partially open back up under new safety guidelines, Dawn has been unable to fall back on her usual excuses of work trips, volunteering, or pet sitting. “I can’t tell them I’m busy with other stuff after I spent the last seven months posting about what a hero I was for staying indoors,” she explained.

The Satirer reached out to Joe and Irene Kershetsky but were unable to obtain a comment from them as they were both in intensive care recovering from COVID-19. Upon receiving the news, Dawn exclaimed, “Wait a minute, they caught it? Ugh! If they recover and become immune I’ll never be able to get out of visiting them!”

Adam Lerner

The post Woman Out Of Excuses For Not Visiting Parents As Pandemic Winds Down appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.